Very Short Story

Man driving down road.  
Woman driving up same road.  
They pass each other.  
Woman yells out window, PIG!  
Man yells out window, Bitch!
Man rounds next curve.  
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

 
Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus.  My parents live in Fort Worth.  One of my
sisters lives in Flugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana.  They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.  My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three
children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview.  She is a part time “working girl”.

All things considered, my problem is this… I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family.  I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus.  My parents live in Fort Worth.  One of my
sisters lives in Flugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana.  They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.  My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three
children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview.  She is a part time “working girl”.

All things considered, my problem is this… I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family.  I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

When I was a young married, a wise parent once told me that you spend your life at war with your kids and you’re going lose. They can spend 24 hours a day fighting battles and you can’t. Successful parenting is not defined by energy expended but by using some foresight to frame the argument.

When my first child was born, I bought two of everything – two cribs, two sets of clothes, two baby carriers. We left these in the kid’s room. When old enough, he asked, “Why do we have two of everything?” I explained the second set belonged to his twin who did not follow my direction and advice.

After our second child was born, the first asked, “Why do we need the baby?” My answer – for backup.

At some point in time, each of my children stated “You like my brother/sister better than me”. My answer to that was that “Yes, we do. They don’t complain.”

The parole board thinks my son is making progress and may be released soon. I probably should move to some place where I can buy a new identity.

Tom Liles

Retired and Retread. BSEE – Trine University 1973, 41 years as the “Best” bureaucrat ever. In box empty, Out box full. An expert at taking credit for team projects while distancing myself in case something goes wrong. Numerous award certificates formatted on Microsoft Word

A group of 40 year old buddies met and discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen  restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again; and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an  elevator.

10 years later, at 80  years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen: a great idea because they have  never been there before.

Rated “R”

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ ..”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother - 
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made… …and it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!” “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother. “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile. “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said….

“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?’ The blonde said, ‘No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.’

The milkman asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’

The blonde said, ‘No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.’

Too funny!

Part 1: Steps women take in a woman’s shower:
 
1.   Take off clothing and place it in sectioned 
laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 
2.   Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas to prevent unintended arousal. 
3.  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, look for wrinkles and sagging, make mental note to do:  more sit-ups/leg-lifts, more anti-aging skincare products, etc. 
4.  Dim lights, light candles…get in the shower. 
5.  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, scrubbie and pumice stone. 
6.  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 
7.  Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. 
8.  Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. 
9.  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 
10.  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash. 
11.  Rinse conditioner off hair and do a final full body rinse. 
12.  Turn off shower. 
13.  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 
14.  Get out of shower. 
15.  Dry off with an Egyptian Cotton bath sheet that matches the super absorbent hair towel. 
16.  Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. 
17.  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and protect against any attacts. 

Part 2: Steps Men take in a shower: 

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 
2.  Walk naked to the bathroom. 
3.  If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound. 
4.  Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. 
5.  Get in the shower.. 
6.  Wash your face. 
7.  Wash your armpits. 
8.  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. 
9.  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 
10.  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 
11.  Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 
12.  Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 
13.  Pee. 
14.  Rinse off and get out of shower. 
15.  Partially dry off – Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 
16.  Admire wiener size in mirror again. 
17.  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 
18.  Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 
19.  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. 
20.  Throw wet towel on her pillow. 

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.. :-) 
Have a great day!

The “Fart in a Jar” is a new fad on ebay, and people are buying it. One such fart in a jar-reportedly the gas of an actual fart that was deposited there by a “hot girl”- sold for $71 after 24 bids. The ad even featured an audio file to prove the fart’s authenticity.

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, Bobby,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.

Bobby looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?”

God chuckled, and said “Bobby, that’s not Gene Keady’s house, it’s mine!”