CoolOldGuys.org » Relationships

Should Women Approach Men?

TJ Wisner — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 13:07:29 +0000

Contributed by: Dr. Dennis W. Neder

(We wanted to share this with our fellow Cool Old Guys so they might gain a new a different perspective. Tell us what you think.)

I have conflicting thoughts about whether or not it is okay for a female to initiate the conversation with the male.

Many people that I know and even those on this board swear by the fact that it is the wrong thing to do. They say it will scare the man off or make him less interested or he’ll think I’m easy or desperate.

I have read your responses on this topic and I know you support the woman approaching the man. But are most men going to be okay with this or is it just a personal preference of yours?

Also, if I decide to approach someone and I give them my number, it then becomes the man’s responsibility to call me, right? Or should I be asking for their number?

I’m so confused as to how far the boundary goes after you approach the man because I’ve simply never done it before and so many say not to.

Also, when do I know it is okay to approach a man? Can I do it at a store? In the park? On the street? At an amusement park? Waiting in line at the movies? Just in general when is it okay and when is it not? Is it never okay? Is it always okay? The bar type is totally not what I’m looking for and that is generally where men will try to approach me.

Hello!

Yes, I understand that you’re confused. You have your sisters to thank for that. Men have never been confusing about this at all. We are very clear and specific about it. It’s you girls (and many of the so-called “experts” on this board) that keep the waters murky for you.

Let’s start with the approach. Yes, it’s ok for you to approach and initiate a conversation with a man. Not only is it a new millennium and women have all sorts of new rules and options; you also have all sorts of additional tricks to approach men that even us guys don’t have! Further, they are easy, fun and highly effective!

Next, the only people that think a woman approaching a man is “desperate” or “easy” is other women. It’s a battle you have within yourselves – men simply don’t think that way – trust me; I’ve interviewed over 10,000 of them. Men’s brains are wired differently than yours. We don’t respond to the games you throw and we don’t think you’re easy or desperate for approaching us. In fact, most of us think you’re strategic and even clever if you approach!

I was in a bar just a few nights ago when a woman approached me right out of the blue. Even now; days later, I don’t believe she was desperate OR easy! She wasn’t my type, but we had a nice conversation and I got to know her much better. In fact, I think very highly of her! She’s a very nice girl and will be terrific for some other guy – which she’s going to get because she’s willing to walk up and say hello to someone. Maybe the guy she gets next will be the one you are interested in because you’re too scared to go say hello to him yourself?

Yes, if you approach a guy and give him your number, it’s going to be his decision to call you back – just as if he had asked you for it in the first place. Keep in mind that initiating an approach (saying “hello”) doesn’t mean you have to finish it either. Likewise, if a guy approaches you first, it doesn’t mean that you can’t finish it for him by suggesting he take your number! There are no hard-and-fast rules about any of this. I’ve had many women say, “You know, you need to have my number!” Then, they proceed to write it down and put it in my hands. To this very day, I don’t think any of them were desperate!

You can certainly ask for his number too, but I always suggest you give him yours in exchange. It doesn’t mean he’ll call, but at least he has it. Likewise, you can call him too, and you have the same expectations as a guy would have. For instance, you want to have some context and have built some rapport and connection in order to have a reason to call him later on. For instance, if you and he are having a great conversation, you can end it just a little too soon by saying, “Well, it was really nice talking to you. We need to do this again sometime. Here’s my number – give me yours and let’s get together some time next week.”

Then, when you call, it’s natural. You can say, “Hey – are you available on Friday to continue our conversation from last week?” You see, you’ve built rapport and connection with him already and this is perfectly natural. It gives direction without looking desperate or easy – you’re not promising or demanding or expecting anything!

As to when you can approach a man, the answer is anywhere and everywhere! There are some obvious times to not approach someone. For instance, if he’s there with his wife or girlfriend, or seems in a huge rush and you won’t have time to connect with him, but frankly, this is pretty rare. It’s the same problem that men face too. They see a girl they’d like to get to know, but she’s in curlers, torn sweats and rushing through the isles at the store looking for baby formula. That’s probably not a good time to approach her.

On the flip side, most men would really appreciate meeting a nice girl like you. They’d walk away from wherever you met thinking, “Wow, what a great girl!” and then would probably blame themselves for being such a catch or something. The point is, they’re not really thinking about you as being desperate or easy at all – they’re thinking about themselves – just like you do when a guy approaches you!

If you want to learn more about how to approach men, there’s an e-book on my website (http://BeingAMan.com) that talks specifically about this. It goes into the reasoning behind it, how men think and react, how to find and approach guys, all your special “tricks” (the ones we guys don’t have) and much more. It’s called “How Women Can Approach Men”, and I highly encourage you to read it for the complete answer here.

Honey, you’ve got to get your head out of all this ridiculous dogma and into the game. Stop listening to these crazy, lonely idiots that think the rules from 50 years ago work today. They don’t. You’re a new girl in a new world at a new time.

Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Online Social Networking Should Be Used, Not Abused

TJ Wisner — Fri, 07 May 2010 20:00:49 +0000

Contributed by: G. Marshall Johnson

Networking is a familiar business practice for sales professionals, and with rapid advances in technology, online social networking represents a new world of opportunity. The power of this medium lies in the user’s ability to connect with anyone, anywhere, with the click of a button – even decision makers who elude conventional methods of contact.

Yet while it’s easy to connect, you should take the necessary time and care to develop an effective strategy for reaching out. First, consider the low-hanging fruit. Who do you know personally, and who works for a company that uses your types of services? Who do your contacts know within their companies, and how will this allow you to develop additional important contacts?

You should ask yourself the following:

Is your relationship established, or is it a superficial contact?

Are you credible with the contact?

What would this person say about you to a coworker in their company?

And, most importantly:

What can you offer this person in return for introductions?

Once you’ve answered these questions, and have likely weeded out a few weak links, you can begin the process of connecting online. Remember that you’re asking for privileged information, and are embarking on business relationships in an environment that is intensely personal.

Think about yourself in the online world. Surely you find spam and junk mail not just annoying but offensive. Recent studies show that users of MySpace, Facebook and other online social networks are signing off in protest, fed up with aggressive advertising campaigns that attempt to personalize messages in addition to broadcasting friends’ shopping habits. Lines are getting drawn. The online world represents a retreat in its way, a way of connecting while keeping commerce at bay. Violate this rule and you’re the enemy.

Into this environment you arrive to sell something. Maybe a product or service, but definitely yourself. Yes, it’s a tricky proposition. Can it be handled with skill and finesse? Absolutely, provided you follow a straight line from your initial contact to your new ones. Good reputations open lots of doors. And your reputation is on the line with each step.

Although technology makes it easy to communicate via e-mail, instant messaging and social networking, this ease of use should never be abused or taken for granted. It starts with asking your contact for information, which ideally should be presented as an opportunity for “Quid Pro Quo.” It continues with all electronic exchanges, which need to be handled concisely and professionally. The same rules that apply to face-to-face meetings should be carried into the online world.

Do your homework. Ask the right “them-focused” questions. Understand the tenuous line between moving sales along and pushing too hard. Of course we should all take advantage of online communication and its precise ability to gauge the true returns on our investment of time, energy and effort. But handled improperly, the good name you’ve worked so hard to maintain can be deleted in a nanosecond.

G. Marshall Johnson is a lifetime sales professional and a very Cool Old Guy. Contact him at http://gmarshalljohnson.com

“Mentally Managing” Wife’s Celibacy

TJ Wisner — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:32:01 +0000

Contributed by: Dr. Dennis Neder

Dr. Neder:

How can I mentally-manage my wife’s choice of celibacy?

Hello!

I don’t know what you mean by “mentally manage celibacy”, but frankly, that’s not the issue at all anyway!

Your wife doesn’t have the right to be celibate! If she wanted celibacy, she should have never married you!

If she needs celibacy for some medical reason (and it’s temporary) that’s one thing – and frankly, so rare that I’m not going to deal with it in this message. On any other hand, read on…

When you took your vows during your wedding, you likely promised to “…forsake all others…” In other words; you promised that you wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. The problem with that promise is that it’s based on an assumption; another “vow” as it were: that your partner would be making sure you had the sex you needed in order to maintain the level of relationship-promise a marriage requires.

You see, this is a vow just as much as forsaking all others is a vow.

If your wife is now choosing celibacy – and the reason (other than as I’ve already stated) is totally irrelevant – then you no longer have the responsibility to live by YOUR vows either! Thus, you SHOULD NOT “mentally manage” this! In fact, you should be one damn, pissed-off guy! You’re being “cheated on” by your wife!

As I’ve already stated, your wife does not have the right to make the decision for you or your marriage. If she’s having libido problems then:

1) Get her checked out by a doctor to determine why that’s happening. If it’s a medical issue, the doctor can help her and your problem is; for all intents, solved.

2) If not medical, she needs to seek some emotional counseling to determine if her libido problems are mental/emotional instead. If so, the doctor can again help her here.

3) If neither of these things, then this is a choice – and one she has no right to make. Likewise, you can’t demand sex from her, but you can do this instead:

Explain to her that she has a responsibility (a “promise”) to you and your marriage. If she’s unwilling to uphold her responsibility, then she is giving you clear and specific permission to get your sexual needs met outside the marriage.

Further, she needs to understand that if; by finding this new sexual partner, you also fall in love with that person, this sham-marriage will be over and she’ll have to accept that fact knowing that she created it.

Don’t “mentally manage” something so ridiculous as celibacy. You have rights here too if only you’ll stand up for them.

Best regards…

The Six “R’s” to Getting your Ex Back

TJ Wisner — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 02:39:25 +0000

Contributed by: Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Hello Dr. Dennis:

I know there are lots of books out on the ‘net claiming that you can get your ex back. Do any of these books really work? What if your ex has moved on and is dating someone else?

I was dumped out of the blue. I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t work out because he is very immature and insecure and he loved to play mind games. That’s not what I really wanted to be dealing with. Part of me is fine that it’s over but the other part misses him even though it could never work out unless he grew up and dealt with his problems (he’s one of those people that believes he has no problem and that it’s always someone else).

So is their a way to get an ex back after all? If my ex has moved on do I still have a chance? Please don’t tell me to move on because I have for the most part. I have heard it all.

Hello!

Even a broken watch is right twice a day, and yes, many people DO get their ex’s back – some from following the advice in some (frankly) excellent books and some on their own. Get this: some even do it by asking ME how! Go figure??!!

The reality is, there are far greater minds out there than mine and I encourage you and everyone to read as much of this writing as possible to improve your own life.

Sometimes people read my stuff and say, “Yeah, I’ve heard it all before”. Others read it and the light bulb goes off and things change for them, for the better. That’s pretty cool not because I wrote the book at all but because THEY read it and THEY changed their lives.

Yes, you can get your ex back. The real question you should be asking however is “should you?”

Nature plays this glorious trick on each of us. When we break up with someone, we’re angry and hurt and we have this flood of negative emotions. However, over time, we forget all of that pain and only remember the good, happy times. This is the most dangerous thing there is in rekindling any relationship!

The reason is that, if you actually get the relationship back, soon all the old problems come rushing right back because we never fixed them in the first place.

This really IS a situation of being careful what you ask for!

Take a look at your opinion of your ex! Frankly, it’s pretty far from flattering! Do you really want that back in your life? Do you really think all that was healthy or in some way beneficial to either of you? I don’t.

Yes, even when someone is with someone else, it’s entirely possible to get them back in your life as your boy/girlfriend. For the purposes of this message, I’ll simplify the steps, (the 6 “R’s”) because I think that once you really give it some thought, you’re going to decide this isn’t the best way for you to go:

1) Reconnect. Use some reason or excuse like a holiday, event, birthday or “I was just cleaning out my phone numbers…” to contact this person. Messaging is usually ok, but the telephone is by far better.

2) Remind. Bring up a few memories of when things were good between you. Send a favorite photograph or just recount a story when you and this other person where totally connected, in love and had great, positive energy together.

3) Rekindle. Begin to rebuild those emotional (and especially sexual!) states.

4) Replace. This means both the bad memories of the past (especially the break up itself) and any new person in their lives. You do this by building new memories based on old, cherished ones.

5) Repair. You absolutely have to fix the old problems or you’re going to be right back in the shit in no time! The scary part however is that the next break-up is usually far, far worse than the last one! Thus, you have to get things out into the light of day and DEAL WITH THEM. Get them fixed or they’ll simply ruin what you’ve done so far.

6) Rebuild…the relationship itself.

That’s what it takes in order to back with your ex. Do you really, really want to? Are you sure???

Best regards…

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Stuck Between a Friendship and Something More

TJ Wisner — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 13:49:24 +0000

Contributed by: Dr. Dennis Neder

Dear Doc:

I’ve known this girl for about a year now and I like her a lot. To cut a long story short, I’ve lost her twice now because of my lack of confidence which stops her from seeing me as more than a friend. She knows I’m interested and we almost had something but I pushed her away because of my fear of being inexperienced with women and messing up. Now more than ever I want to put aside my fears and try to be with her but I get stuck.

I know the way she sees me changes a lot. Sometimes I’m just a friend and other times I’m more than that.

How can I get her used to seeing me as more than just her friend? Can you offer any advice on boosting one’s self confidence?

Hello!

Let’s begin with confidence.

Most people mistakenly believe that confidence is something you own. It’s not. It’s something you get for brief periods of time. I like to say that you never own confidence, but you get to rent it when you need it.

You can take the most confident person in the world and even they lack confidence at some time or another. For instance, many of the most accomplished people can’t speak in front of groups – especially if they know nothing about the subject!

On the flip side, you take people with no solid skills in a particular area that can entertain a large crowd. These people have learned how to tap into confidence and turn it on and off.

You can too!

Unfortunately, there’s not a single “switch” for everyone. Some people like to remember times when they felt totally and completely confident and “project” it into the current situation. Others like to listen to heavy, motivating music. Others like to see scenes that make them feel confident, etc. What’s your trigger?

You can find out by thinking about times when you DID feel totally and completely confident. What was the circumstance where that happened? How to do you transfer that confidence to a particular situation? These are personal things but if you can get hold of them, you have the first key in instilling confidence.

The second (and frankly, far, far more important key) is education. Think about this: if you know exactly what to do, say or how to act in any particular situation, you instantly feel confident, don’t you?

This is the most important skill I teach my students. Many come to me to learn how to approach women anywhere, any time. They also lack confidence in doing this, but by learning the techniques, they know what to do in any situation. In effect, they BUILD confidence through knowledge.

This situation with your friend is a good example of that. You don’t know how to deal with her and thus, you lack confidence most of the time you are with her. Learning to read someone’s body language and their communication cues are two skills that help greatly in this area.

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve talked with (and continue to talk to every single day) that are looking for that “rock”. What is a “rock”? Simple: it’s the guy that can be solid when she’s falling apart. It’s that guy that can recognize what she needs and not necessarily give it to her, but be there to boost her up when she needs it.

This is part of a larger formula I call the “Love Formula” where you learn to instill safety and security. Frankly, very few women can resist that!

Unfortunately, you’ve done just the opposite with her. You’ve denied her safety and security! You’ve done that by “confessing your feelings” for instance. Why is this a bad thing? Simple: what it does is tell her in plain, clear “womanese” that you can’t move things forward and that you want her to do that for you. You want her to come back and say, “Oh! Baby! I feel the same way! Please take me!”

Wouldn’t it be easier if that actually worked? The problem is that it doesn’t – and never has. Women don’t work this way. They are looking for the guy that can move things forward and NOT make them do your work for you! That is the type of “confidence” she’s looking for.

You have a lot of work ahead of you to fix this huge mistake – if you even can. You might want to consider that only 5% of friendships turn into more. That means you have a 95% likelihood of failure! Those are terrible odds.

More to the point, one of the best ways to change this is to start dating OTHER WOMEN. Why does this help? Simple: it shows that you were able to move things forward with them! We call this “social proof”.

Interestingly, this may be your key with this girl, but then, if it doesn’t work, who cares? You’re now dating one or two or 10 other women anyway!

Best regards…

Getting What You Want from Others

TJ Wisner — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:36:16 +0000

Contributed by: Ed Rigsbee

Relationship Bank Deposits: One of the important elements of successful relationships is the Relationship Bank Deposit. Interestingly enough, too many folks want to make withdrawals before they make deposits–this is not you, I hope. Following the age-old idea of giving first and receiving later (I know, instant gratification is today’s standard for so many), allows you to bank some relationship points for a relationship rainy day. This idea is crucial because you know that there will be conflict some time down the road.

I have found it to be true in my relationship with my wife of 35 years, Regina, that when I give first (living in a glass house, I admit my imperfection here) she responds quite well.

Talking to the COGs now; women are wired to nurture. As such they tend not to ask for what they need as much as they perhaps should. So your job is to preempt by doing things for them they would not normally expect of you–thereby making an unrestricted Relationship Bank Deposit.

A Gals job is to not read anything into these acts of kindness; but to just enjoy. For women this is not always easy as they are quite used to the male/female quid pro quo; dinner for bedding.

Here is where this creates value for your life; just do nice things for others and it will come back to you. And do lots of nice things for the person with whom you enjoy a romantic relationship. Just do this and I guarantee your relationship will be even better.

Plan today for the weekend, Ed Rigsbee

Ed Rigsbee is a Cool Old Guy that helps people and organizations build successful relationships. To access the several aspects of Ed, visit www.EdRigsbee.com

Build Strong, Sustained Customer Relationships with V.I.A.G.R.A.

TJ Wisner — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 21:12:05 +0000

Contributed by: TJ Wisner

The bonds that tie long lasting customer relationships are very important in today’s world. It is said that the average person has 50,000 thoughts go through their mind daily. As a sales person and supplier, you want a few of those to be about you. More importantly, you want those thoughts to be positive.

If you maintain strong customer relationships, you will;

Gain more business and make more money
Be respected and people will refer you
Enjoy your work (and personal) life

Building strong customer relations is easy. First, you need to have a high level of self-esteem and truly want to satisfy your customers. Then all you need to do is follow the six V.I.A.G.R.A. steps to long lasting customer relations.

V- VALUE THEM- Sincerely value them and their business. The most important thing is to show you care about them and their business. When you see them, always offer a “good” handshake. Always use their name and show genuine interest in them. It should go without saying, but a smile on your face will go a long way. As Groucho Marx said about acting, sincerity is important to sales; “once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

I- INTEGRITY IS PARAMOUNT- Always do what you commit to do. Follow through with your commitments and if you cannot deliver, then let them know. If something goes wrong with their order, make sure they hear it from you. Remember, if you always do as you promise, your customer will trust you, and trust is the foundation for solid customer relations.

A- ASSESS NEEDS- Ask plenty of questions…then listen. The old 80/20 rule fits well in the selling transaction. You should spend 80% of the time talking and 20% of your time listening. Truth be known, many sales reps exhibit just the opposite, they talk 80% of the time. It is important to note that customers are often, what I like to call, “informationally challenged.” Therefore, the rep must ask questions to elicit vital information from the client in an effort to understand the need behind the need.

G- GIVE MORE- One of the biggest complaints customers site as to why they left a particular supplier is that they did not get what they expected. Disney World is the best example of exceeding customer expectations. Delight your customers by giving them what they want, and more. Now that doesn’t mean giving away the store. Send them an email or better yet a hand written thank you note. Call them to see how pleased they are with their decision. Treat them the way you like to be treated or better yet, like Dr. Tony Alessandra says; “treat them the way they want to be treated.”

R- RELATE TO THEM- One of the best ways to sustain great customer relationships is to get to know them on a personal basis. Remember their birth date and send them a card or give them a call. Whenever you transact with them, lighten things up with a little humor. Recognize important accomplishments they have made. Also sharing important personal things about you will help develop relationships.

A- AMELIORATE THEIR LIVES- To ameliorate means to improve or make better. Everything you do for your customer should improve their business or personal life. This is one of the biggest reasons successful sales people site as to why they enjoy being a sales person. As the old saying goes; sow so shall ye reap.

If you fail to maintain strong customer relationships, you will;

Lose business and money
Not be respected and get few (if any) referrals
Experience a miserable personal and professional life

So share V.I.A.G.R.A. with your friends and help them build strong, sustained customer relationships.

TJ Wisner is a performance improvement expert and Cool Old Guy who helps individuals and organizations learn more and earn more. You can contact him at tj@coololdguys.org or visit http://TheCPOInstitute.com

Rebuilding a Sexual Relationship

TJ Wisner — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:40:14 +0000

Contributed by: Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Hi!

I’ve been dating this girl for a year now, and she tells me tonight through the phone (long distance relationship) that when I approach her before sex I only approach one way and that’s climbing on top of her. She says I approach her like a horny virgin and I don’t turn her on and she gets frustrated. She doesn’t want to have sex unless she feels like having sex which is not very often.

I need to know what I’m doing wrong! I only know one move and after a year I’m only now hearing about this! I get frustrated when we don’t have sex for a long time, but I tend to not show it.

I ask her on occasion why we don’t have sex more often, and she says that I just don’t turn her on anymore.

HOW DO I TURN THIS AROUND?? How else can I approach her while lying in bed other then crawling on top of her kissing her or rolling her on top of me? We used to have amazing sex in the beginning for about 4 or 5 months but I’m loosing my masculine confident self while she points out all the things I do wrong – but nothing I can do to make it better.

Can you help me? Thank you

Hello!

This is actually an excellent question and I’m glad you’ve asked it. Far too many guys get into this situation and do nothing about it. You have an important lesson to learn here that’s going to serve you well for the rest of your life if you really understand just a few points.

Men and women have VERY different sex drives. They are equally powerful, but you (as the guy) have to learn how a women sex is different from yours.

First of all, women don’t have the same natural responses we have. We get hard and we’re ready to go. Women don’t work that way usually and in fact, if they do in the beginning often lose that response because of all the things we guys DON’T know and DON’T do – that they absolutely need. This is exactly where you are now.

Let me add this important point here: many guys react to this problem by throwing out the old “standards” like buying flowers and gifts, taking her to dinner, etc. These things are the actions of someone that doesn’t understand the problem. They can be fine if you are CLEAR on WHY they are important, and that’s the real issue – understanding the problem itself. If you know WHY the problem exists, you’ll know WHAT to do about it. If you only know the WHAT’S and never learn the WHY’S, you’re sunk – and women pick this right up.

Here’s the fact: whereas you’re ready to go as soon as you get the notion to have sex, that notion is just the very, very, very early beginnings with women. The notion just tells their brains to that maybe, possibly they might be interested in having sex. It takes a long time for their bodies to catch up. Further, they are stimulated EMOTIONALLY NOT PHYSICALLY. You need to connect and build rapport with her EACH TIME you want to have sex. For you, once you’ve done this with a woman, you’re always ready. For women however, they need it each and every time. If it doesn’t happen, they start equating sex with NOT being ready but going through the emotions. In effect, they are actually PRACTICING not being sexual with you if you do this! That habit turns into all sorts of things in women’s minds including not being sexually attracted to you any more. I want you to really study what I’ve told you so far. You need to understand how women’s minds work because they are VERY different from yours and mine.

ONLY WHEN you understand these points will what I’m about to tell you make any sense – so don’t cheat yourself by rushing through trying to do all the WHAT’S I’m about to give you. Instead, understand WHY these things will work FIRST.

The very next time you see her, before you even say a single word, I want you to press her up against the wall, and kiss her softly, but passionately. Don’t shove your tongue down her throat! Just kiss her softly on the lips while sandwiching her again you and the wall. Don’t go for her breasts or pussy or ass – just kiss her, that’s all. Let it linger for a few moments. Then, slowly pull back and say “hi” and act like nothing happened.

Next, go have a “date”. Go do something fun, go have dinner, etc. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, etc. All of these indirect signals tell her that something special is going to happen later. When you’re walking together, holding her hand, just stop and let her keep walking, then (carefully!) swing her around back toward you, pull her against you and kiss her again. Don’t do a lot of this – a little goes a long way.

Later on when you get home, take a little while to relax and talk. Find out about her day and what she’s been thinking – work on getting her to talk and open up to you. After an hour or so (yes, it takes some time!) offer to give her a back rub. Get her in bed and get some massage oil. Light some candles (scented preferably) and turn out the lights. Spend some real time letting her get into the sensual environment you’re creating. Make sure you have a towel handy to wipe off the excess oil.

Then, after half an hour of the massage, dry her off and turn her over. Then, don’t jump on top of her yet! Instead, spend some time making out – like you used to before you started having sex. Explore her lips and face and hair and body. Don’t go right in for sex yet. Let it linger. If you do all of this right, it’s going to take at least a couple of hours! Yes, I know that seems like a very long time, but the key is to understand that women build up slowly – sometimes VERY slowly! You need to give her that time! If you do this regularly, you’ll find that she’ll be great with quickies on occasion too.

The other thing to consider is that this is a very long time for you to wait! That means, it’s going to be tough to hold off while you’re doing all of this. I suggest you unload your own weapon earlier in the day so you’re not so eager when you see her. Trying to do all of this with a round in the chamber is extremely difficult.

Be aware that you’re building a pattern here. It’s not that you have to do exactly this every time you want to have sex, but you need to show her consistently that you’re attentive to more than just her body. When a woman’s mind is engaged, her body naturally follows.

Best regards…

Small Business Partners

TJ Wisner — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:55:59 +0000

Contributed by: Ed Rigsbee

Small business success is as much a function of persistence, positioning, and implementation as it is relationship building. With whom are you investing? What you put out, positive or negative, really does come back to you.

Partnering with employees is crucial to the kind of service employees deliver to your customers and how they use your resources. Your employees can sabotage your success without you evening knowing what they are doing.

Partnering with customers is important, if you want them to return. You want your customers to perceive you as their ___, you fill in the blank. You want to be top of mind in the consciousness of your customers. Everything you do, say, and do not do will have an effect on how your customers hold your business in their minds.

Partnering with your competitors is equally important. Competitors are any business that competes with you for access to your customers wallets. Are restaurants and auto dealers competitors? Absolutely they are. A new car will mean less dinners out. However, you can still partner with the competition through cross-promotion. The more you and your competitors get people out of their homes and into your places of business, the more people will let go of that money and circulate it. This will help the economy. Work with local business to develop cross-promotion campaigns. It will serve you well.

Ed Rigsbee is a Cool Old Guy that helps people and organizations build successful relationships. To access the several aspects of Ed, visit www.EdRigsbee.com

Is Dating Culture Creating Murderers?

TJ Wisner — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:52:52 +0000

Contributed by: Dr. Dennis W. Neder

In the Pittsburg, PA suburb of Bridgeville; a man, frustrated by his own lack of dating and relationship success decided to take his frustration out on an all-female dance-aerobics class.

“Women just don’t like me”, he wrote in a chilling on-line diary posting. To say that the gunman had a lot of hatred built up inside of him is an understatement. The interesting part of this however, is that I see this same frustration every single day from both the men and women that write to me.

Within moments of walking into that class, 3 women and the gunman lay dead and 9 others sustained injury.

What is it about our current dating culture that breeds this level of anger, frustration and hatred? Why does a man whom you’d otherwise never guess had any problems with women go on a rampage and murder the very people of his desire?

I didn’t have to think very long on this to find the answer. We have an entire dating culture that is breeding this very reaction.

I get to see this from the inside because of the more than 30,000 letters I’ve answered from my readers and viewers in just the past few years. The shift I see happening is both amazing and terrifying. I’m seeing an entire generation of men that are more confused and lacking in basic relationship skills in just the past 5 years than in any of the years before them.

That’s not to say however that men are the only ones frustrated! In fact, I hear constant laments from lonely, frustrated women every day too:

“Why can’t I meet any good men?”

“All the good men are either gay or taken.”

“Men don’t seem to know how to be men any longer.”

And, worst of all – they’re right.

There was a time when men had real role models and examples of how to be men. They knew their place in relationships and specifically, their roll with women. It’s getting rarer to find these men today and how can anyone be surprised? If you look at just about any segment of popular culture, the examples of strong masculine figures are just as rare.

This isn’t to blame media exclusively for this however. We consumers are helping to promote this. We on one hand, discount the value of male influence in society while on the other consume the constant barrage of negative stereotypes. We laugh at Justin Timberlake’s obvious pain of being thrown, crotch-first, into a street poll and grin at the bumbling fool that can’t help his daughter with her homework (while mother looks on with frustrated bemusement). We support every aspect of “women empowerment” and degrade the idea of “male empowerment” as sexist.

When it comes to the dating world, I’m constantly amazed at the same mistaken beliefs and techniques being used by men in order to try to be successful. I stand equally confused by the ineffective games I see women playing in the dating world that simply damage their chances at finding this happiness too.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of this however is that so-called “experts” are actually counseling these women on doing these things or men on “just playing the game”.

We are complicated emotional creatures with equally-complicated mating rituals. In fact, those rituals change from community to community, but in fact there are rules and by following those rules, we can meet with the successes we all hope to achieve.

But, what if we don’t know the rules? What if the rules change and there’s no source to learn them?

This is exactly what happened to the gunman in this story. He spent the last 19 years of his 48-year life living with his own frustration and eventually snapped. The result was 4 dead and 9 injured people – all of whom shared the same desire in their lives to have happy, healthy relationships.

I am seeing a flood of letters from frustrated men and women today (yes, some of them directed toward me) about this very issue. “Why does it have to be this complicated?” “What’s wrong with me?” and “I’m ready to give up” are common themes. These people aren’t bad people at all, they simply lack tools or have been misguided right into their frustrations by well-meaning but equally misguided “help”.

By leveling the playing field; that is, getting dating, sex and relationship information into the hands of both men and women; by reducing the frustration and need for the games, giving people new, more healthy and successful opportunities to reach their own dating and relationship goals and by empowering people to seek out this knowledge – and find it, we might help to prevent this very event from reoccurring and save the life of your own girlfriend, boyfriend, child, parent, sibling or spouse.

Best regards…