Posts Tagged ‘Humorous’
Contributed by: Sid Moen
When I was a kid I did all my own car repairs. The way I remember it, there was the satisfaction of working with my hands and accomplishing an important task while listening to rock and roll on a portable radio.
Fast forward a few years (OK, maybe a few decades). It all started when I noticed fork oil running down the right side of the front suspension of my GoldWing a few weeks ago. Closer inspection revealed oil soaked brake pads, wheel, and undercarriage on the right side.
What could be so hard about changing fork oil on a motorcycle? I could think of lots of better uses for the $400.00 labor I was quoted at the local Honda shop.
The first step is to find a truck stop or industrial waste site and collect about 5 gallons of used differential oil and if possible add to this a few pounds or pureed three day old road kill. Spread this mixture liberally over the garage floor, walls, and any tools and benches you plan to use to mask the smell and roughly match the volume of the goo you will “drain” from the forks. All that stuff is going to be covered in oil eventually anyway—might as well just smear it on early and get it over with.
Next, spend a few hours on the Internet reading how easy it is to swap out a set of seals in 30 minutes to two hours tops. Don’t forget to study the “shop manual” for useless information that has nothing to do with the actual work you are about to tackle. Be sure to read all the blogs and bulletin boards you can. After you’ve spent about half a day looking for time saving shortcuts, give up and actually start taking apart your bike.
It turns out the geniuses at Honda use two bolts on the left brake caliper and two on the right to hold said components to the forks. When you try to remove them you find two bolts take a 13 mm socket, one takes a hex wrench, and one a #40 Torx socket. Yes, three different style fasteners to hold what amounts to the same component to the same structure, just on the opposite side.
Removing the front half of the fender and the front wheel is pretty straightforward. Unless you count the 30 or so fasteners you have to take off to get the brakes out of the way. It’s also important to consult a Higher Power before trying to fish the back part of the fender out of the tangle of brake lines and system of tabs and slots obviously designed to test the patience of Job.
Once all the various contraptions that are stuck to the fork legs are removed, the job gets a little simpler. There are still a couple of tricks up Honda’s sleeve however. The dash has to be removed to access the top caps. This, of course, means dealing with a wire connector which cannot be easily pulled apart no matter how many times you have done it before. (Every time I take it apart I swear I will file off the little catch that causes the problem).
Another procedure calls for loosening the hex bolt in the bottom of each leg. Internet experts suggest using an air impact wrench for this. I opted for the low tech method. Using a standard hex wrench, I found a giant Crescent wrench and fitted the “L” part into the jaws and broke loose the stubborn bolt. This was also the time when random spurts of stinky black oil began to fly out in all directions without warning or any regard for the laws of physics.
Speaking of oversize tools, the top caps can not be loosened without resorting to extra leverage. After straining with a ratchet wrench and inventing a few new words, I decided to gain an advantage by using my torque wrench with the long handle. As I was holding the right handlebar with my belly and pulling the wrench for all I was worth, it occurred to me it might be interesting to see how much torque it took to break this particular bolt loose. Just as my eyes started to focus on the tiny numbers the bolt gave way. I didn’t get the reading but I did put the torque wrench on the floor where I could trip over it a few minutes later.
One more obstacle remained before I could actually remove the right fork and spill more oil on the floor. The upper pinch bolt came loose pretty easily. The lower one is semi-hidden up under the front body work and was, of course, coated with a thick mixture of oil and dirt. After loosening the lower pinch bolt I found the fork tube was still stuck fast, and even using all my magic words failed to make it budge. I re-loosened the upper pinch bolt and began hammering on the top of the fork cap with a big hammer and a half inch socket extension. For some reason I came to my senses temporarily and re-examined the lower pinch bolt. This time I noticed the second bolt immediately above the lower one I had already loosened. A couple of turns and the leg came sliding out, dripping filthy smelly oil all the way to the work bench where it puked another puddle of grayish ooze before I had time to react.
Have I mentioned the odor associated with the used fork oil? It is severe. Think of what it might be like to sniff a hobo’s sweat sock which has been soaked in Kim chi, and buried under a damp chicken coop for about three years. Then quadruple the effect.
There in my garage, covered in stinky oil goo, knuckles banged up and back hurting from all the bending and stretching, I wondered how I ever thought this was a fun thing to do.
Then it hit me. I walked over to the portable radio on my workbench and turned it on. Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top came blaring out of the speakers. The full-blast beat of rock-and-roll somehow erased all the pain it took to get this far.
I expect the rest of the job to be anticlimactic—change the seals and put it all back together. After all, how hard could it be?
Sid Moen is a retired police sergeant turned management consultant and a Cool Old Guy. When he’s not touring the country on his GoldWing, he can be found in his garage trying to figure out what to do with all the spare parts leftover from his repair jobs.